How to talk to your children about your impending divorce

By LegalMatters Staff • When a marriage breaks down, telling children you are getting divorced is one of the difficult tasks couples face. They will be uncertain what the future holds, in terms of where they will live and what contact they will have with each parent.

“Be careful how you break the news. Don’t blurt it out impulsively in an emotional moment or before bed,” says Edmonton family lawyer Graeme Kluge. “The best time may be during the day on a weekend, to give them the opportunity to process the news without their schoolwork being directly affected.”

If your divorce is amicable, tell the children about your divorce together, he says.

“Let your children know that you are committed to working together as their parents,” says Kluge. “If you are estranged from the other spouse a combined announcement may not be possible. In that situation, however, the children will probably not be surprised to hear about the divorce.”

He says that children do not need to know details about what led to the divorce, especially if one partner cheated on the other.

“The ‘truth’ is less important than providing support and reassurance,” says Kluge. “As children grow older, they can discover what led to the divorce at an age where they are better able to process and accept those details.”

He says it is also okay to admit you do not know exactly what the future holds.

“If you are in the early stages of a divorce and the new living arrangements are not yet decided, you will be not able to answer queries such as ‘How often will I get to see you?’, ‘Do I have to move?’ and ‘Do I have to change schools?’” Kluge says. “Reassure them that you have their best interests at heart and will strive to make the transition as smooth as possible.”

He adds that parents should make it clear this was an adult decision the two of you have made.

“Stress that nothing they did or could have done would have prevented the divorce,” says Kluge. “Assure them that your love for them will never change. Parents can divorce but the bond with their children remains strong.”