Alienated parents, and lawyers, need to know remedies are available

By Paul Russell, LegalMatters Staff • Parents alienated from their children by the other partner need to know there are things that can be done to improve the situation, and their lawyers should educate themselves on when and how to use any of the available remedies, says Toronto lawyer Gene C. Colman.

“When you have a parental alienation situation (PA), you need legal assistance, even if only to draft the materials that will get you into court,” says Colman, principal of the Gene C. Colman Family Law Centre.

“And the first step is to confirm it is parental alienation,” he says. “Just because a child doesn’t want to be with a parent doesn’t mean that we are dealing with PA. Maybe that child has ample reason to be reluctant to spend time with the parent.”

Colman tells LegalMattersCanada.ca that a rejected parent needs someone knowledgeable in PA in order to objectively assess the situation. In his practice, he first enquires about the behaviour of the child, then asks if the child has also rejected the family dog, the grandparents or other family members.

“If the child has not, it’s quite possibly not PA,” he says. “With PA, the hatred is so irrational and intense the child will reject pets and other family members associated with the target parent. They are not able to articulate why they are feeling that way, as all they are doing is mimicking what the other parent reinforces them to say.”

Two books are great resources

To help parents recognize PA, Colman recommends the book Divorce Poison.

“Psychologist and author Richard A. Warshak clearly explains what PA looks like, using real-life examples,” he says. “This is very helpful information for parents.”

For family law practitioners dealing with this issue, he suggests Children Who Resist Post-Separation Parental Contact, written by Barbara Jo Fidler, Nicholas Bala and Michael A. Saini.

“Chapter nine is a treasure trove of PA remedies,” says Colman, adding that one of the key points of the book is to address PA at a young age.

“Parents need to deal with contact issues at an early stage, as timely intervention may prevent that behaviour from becoming severe and entrenched,” he says. “The common wisdom –- or maybe stupidity – to just wait until the kid comes around, is just so wrong.”

The PA remedies Colman recommends include the Fidler, Bala & Saini list:

• therapeutic reconciliation
• the use of mental health experts
• supervised access (“Use such firms as Brayden Supervision Services, who understand the dynamics of PA.”)
• contempt of court orders
• financial penalties
• the awarding of legal fees
• increasing parenting time for the target parent (“Allow the child to see that the alienated parent is not the monster the other parent claims they are.”)
• reversing the primary residence
• suspending contact to the alienator parent
• having one judge to case manage
• police enforcement (“It’s not the greatest thing to have the police come pick up the child at mom’s house, but sometimes it is necessary.”)

Court orders come into play with most of these options, Colman says.

“For a court order to be effective, it has to be crystal clear, with directions not only for parents but also for third parties, such as schools and health-care providers,” he explains.

Colman says a colleague recently consulted him about a court order an associate agreed to, where an 11-year-old boy was free to decide if he wanted to see his dad, or not.

“That was just about the worst court order a lawyer could agree to,” he says. “A child is not a free agent if he is being influenced by an alienating parent. So leaving access issues up to the child is definitely not a good idea.”

If the parents agree to see a professional to work out parenting issues, Colman says they need to select a counsellor who understands PA dynamics.

“If the alienating parent chooses someone with no background or understanding in this area, that counsellor could become an unwitting facilitator of the alienation. You need someone who gets it,” he says, noting he has a list of counsellors in the GTA who understand what is involved in PA.

If the alienating parent will not bring the child to the counselling sessions, Colman advises the other parent to bring the matter back to court immediately and to seek sanctions.

If the alienating parent refuses to share custody as agreed to, he recommends keeping a record of those refusals, then going to court to ask for full custody of the child.

“Asking for a reversal in primary residence is not something an alienated parent can generally do right away, but if they can show the court why it is needed, it could be granted down the road,” he says.

Sometimes you have to walk away

In rare cases, Colman says alienated parents just have to accept the situation and walk away.

“Sometimes the resistance of the child is so pathological and so toxic, shown in multiple allegations of sexual abuse, sometimes it is time to walk away, even though that is a very difficult decision,” he says.

Colman adds studies show that those who were alienated as children are very regretful as they grow older, so there is always hope for reconnection as adults.

The plight of alienated parents has been the focus of one groundbreaking documentary, Erasing Family. It was screened by the Canadian Centre for Men and Families, with Colman invited to address the audience afterward.

“This is a really excellent documentary about real people, whose stories sometimes turned out well, and other times not,” he says. “It really sensitizes viewers about the trial and tribulations of PA.”