Make your children your first priority during a divorce

By LegalMatters Staff • Children caught up in a divorce may feel confused and helpless. As the Canadian Paediatric Society states, “children experience feelings of loss when one parent leaves the family.”

In high-conflict divorces, they may feel relief that the tension between their parents has subsided. But even with amicable divorces, parental separation may be unexpected, leaving children bewildered about what is happening to their family.

“The end of a marriage may feel like you are riding on an emotional rollercoaster,” says Edmonton family lawyer Mark Demas. “Divorce is not a single event but a process that unfolds over time involving a series of changes. The stress can be overwhelming as you adjust to your new circumstances.

He urges separated or divorced parents to make their children a priority during a divorce.

“Having both parents spend significant time with the children will help them feel connected to both of you and adjust to the new living arrangements,” says Demas. “In some divorces, this arrangement is not possible.

It is a good idea to maintain similar routines in both households, he says.

“Routines keep order and structure in a family,” says Demas. “Try to keep the same approaches in both households such as times for homework and bedtime routines.

He advises parents to be careful about dating or introducing a new partner to their children.

“Your kids don’t need to meet every person you go on a date with,” says Demas. “That will only create confusion, especially for young children who may assume you will be getting back together with your ex-partner.”

He also urges parents to talk to their children about what lies ahead.

“Answer their questions as best as you can, thinking through your responses so they do not just come across as a criticism of the other parent,” says Demas. “This will be an ongoing conversation with your children. The main message from you should be that you will not abandon them, physically or emotionally.”