Parallel parenting has its benefits but takes planning and effort

By Tony Poland, LegalMatters Staff • Parallel parenting can be an option for divorcing parents who cannot agree to co-parent, says Toronto family lawyer A. Julia P. Tremain.

Tremain, a partner with Waddell Phillips Professional Corporation, says the approach is not commonly used in her experience but has its benefits. However, it takes planning and effort to make it work, she advises.

“People decide to resolve the decision-making process by essentially siloing it. For example, one person would be responsible for making the medical decisions and the one takes care of the educational aspect,” Tremain tells LegalMattersCanada.ca. “With parallel parenting, parents agree on who gets final decision-making powers over certain matters. You can disagree with what the other parent is doing but if you are not the one who makes those final decisions, you would have to trigger the dispute resolution clause to have any input. If that doesn’t work, then you would ultimately have to go back to court.”

With co-parenting agreements both parents typically have a say in all matters of how their children are raised, she says. It can require some flexibility and effective communication to ensure the plan runs smoothly, Tremain adds.

Discuss issues that arise

In this arrangement, the rules are generally the same at both homes and parents will discuss any issues that arise with their children to find a solution, she says. 

Parallel parenting is considered a form of shared parenting in which parents have limited interaction with each other while still maintaining a relationship with their child, Tremain explains.

While parents lose some authority by dividing decision-making responsibilities it can have its benefits, she says – children get to maintain relationships with both parents and there is less chance they will be exposed to parental conflict.

On the downside, children may be confused by contrasting parenting styles and could experience disruptions in their routines, says Tremain.

Since parents are agreeing to allow their ex to make final decisions on certain issues, they must trust that what the other person is doing is best for the child, she says.

Parallel parenting can be an option in high-conflict divorces, says Tremain.

‘People are unable to reach an agreement on parenting decisions’

“Sometimes what happens is people are unable to reach an agreement on parenting decisions because their relationship has deteriorated,” she says, “Instead they decide to split the responsibilities. They are saying they don’t want to go to trial and will try to resolve it this way.” 

But Tremain warns parallel parenting is not a panacea in a tumultuous breakup. 

“Typically, if it is a high-conflict divorce, people often want to have more input, not less,” she says. “If you handle the education decision and your ex has medical, you don’t get a say in that area. That can be challenging for some parents if there are trust issues or resentment. 

“The other thing to consider is there can be an overlap with some issues,” Tremain adds. “Autism, for example, can have an educational and a medical component. One parent will have the final decision-making over medical issues while the other believes educational needs supersede that. In those cases, it can be a recipe for more conflict rather than less. In some ways, it is better if there is less conflict in your relationship if you are trying to make parallel parenting work.”

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Whether the approach is parallel parenting or joint decision-making “you must have a ton of communication between the parents,” she says. 

“While you may not have final decision-making authority, you are still entitled to know what is going on with your child,” Tremain says. “Parents must continue to communicate and consult with the other parent. There would still be an obligation by one parent to inform the other of any developments that affect the child.”

Parents have to put in the work before signing off on a parallel parenting plan, she says.

Parenting agreement must ‘be very clear’

“They must have a parenting agreement and it must be very clear,” says Tremain. “It would also have to have a very good dispute resolution clause in case of things such as crossover issues.” 

This is especially important since there may be no major issues when children are younger but situations can change as they grow older, she says. 

Parents may also choose to use a parenting coordinator to assist when there are concerns, says Tremain. Having a neutral third party can help avoid going back to court to resolve an issue, she says.

Parallel parenting agreements are not necessarily set in stone, Tremain says, but both parents must agree to any changes or seek help from family court.

Whether a shared or parallel parenting plan, the child’s best interests must always be paramount in any arrangement, she says.

“It all comes back to the importance of keeping those lines of communication open,” says Tremain. “It can be a challenge for many parents after a divorce but it is so important for the sake of the children.”