Effective co-parenting during the holidays starts with these five tips

By Paul Russell, LegalMatters Staff • The holiday period can be stressful for any family as they make plans for festive dinners and gift-giving. But if parents are separated and sharing access to one or more children, tensions can easily escalate and spoil what should be a happy, relaxing time of year.

To help these parents get through the holidays, Techenia Archer, service support coordinator with Renew Supervision Services, offers five suggestions.

Prepare a holiday schedule in advance

“Do not wait until a few weeks before Christmas or the winter break to draw up plans,” says Archer. “Have the discussion well in advance so that if there’s any conflict, there is time to iron it out.”

When proposing a schedule, parents must be specific about the dates and times that they want their children, she says.

“It is important that each parent have an understanding of that schedule. This will also help the children to be mentally prepared to see the other parent,” Archer says.

If the parents cannot reach an agreement on a holiday schedule, she says they should reach out to a mediator or a lawyer for assistance.

“They can also contact Renew for help,” Archer says, adding “if the discussion gets to a point where no one is compromising, we will pass it on to lawyers to handle.”

Compromise is important

Deciding which home the children will spend Christmas Day at is often a point of conflict when it comes to co-parenting, she says.

“One way to avoid that is to agree to alternate between the parents’ homes each year,” Archer suggests. “That will give the children insight into what Christmas morning is like in different households.”

If there is a certain event that one parent wants to celebrate with the children on a specific day during the holidays, she says the other parent should make an effort to respect that.

“For example, if one parent is passionate about Kwanzaa and they want their children to experience it, the other parent should agree to have the children attend those celebrations,” Archer says. “Learning about family traditions is very beneficial to any child.”

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She adds that it is imperative that both parents be honest and transparent about their holiday traditions.

“The other parent needs to know how you feel about any traditions that you want to celebrate during the winter holidays,” Archer says.

Treat the other parent as you want to be treated

“Going into this holiday season many people are really excited,” she says. “Even though COVID is still with us, this is a time for families to try to really get together and celebrate as we did before the pandemic.”

Once a holiday schedule has been agreed upon, Archer says it is important to abide by it.

“Respect the time that you have given each other to be with your children,” she says. “Don’t come up like something last minute that throws off the schedule. In the end, the children will be the one that is most let down because you decided to change the schedule at the last minute.”

Prepare your children for the holiday parenting plan

Archer says both parents need to show that they support the parenting schedule.

“Maybe this is the first holiday with co-parenting, and a child is reluctant or unsure of what will happen,” she says. “Let them know about how much fun they will have with the other parent and explain what they will do when they return to you.”

Instead of doing all the planning yourself, Archer says parents should give children options of what to do together, such as going to a Christmas market, skiing or skating.

“Allow your child’s voice to be heard,” she says. “Children are caught in the middle when a relationship breaks down so this is a perfect opportunity to hear what they would like to do during the holidays.”

Archer also advises parents not to worry if their time with the children does not fall exactly on a traditional day, such as Dec. 25.

“Holiday celebration can be anytime in the two weeks around Christmas,” she says. “Just remember, the goal is to have a great time with your children and create lasting memories.”

Time with your children is the ultimate gift

“The number or cost of the gifts you give your children is not as important as the time you spend with them,” says Archer. “A new iPad will be exciting for a few months. But the memory of a new experience is something they will keep in their hearts for a long time.”

She advises parents not to compete with each other when it comes to gifts.

“Don’t try to buy your children’s love,” Archer says. “If you haven’t had the chance to see your children as often as you would like, you can’t make up for that lost time by spending more money.”

She suggests that parents in this situation instead plan an activity or a project to do with their children during the winter break.

“The time you spend together is more important than the dollar amount that you’re spending on the gifts,” she adds.

Archer says Renew will send out a newsletter in December, listing different family activities clients can enjoy. “This newsletter is for both residential and non-residential parents,” she says, noting that Renew serves clients across the GTA, in the Ottawa region and in Saskatchewan.

“Renew is open 365 days of the year, including throughout the winter break,” says Archer. “If parents need our assistance, they can contact us and we will help them create a plan for the holidays.”