Reunification therapy restores damaged child/parent relationships

By Paul Russell, LegalMatters Staff • Many lawyers and judges understand the benefits of having orders for reunification therapy included in family law judgments, says Derek Woodruff, co-director of Renew Supervision Services.

“Reunification therapy is a way to restore a relationship between a child and an estranged or rejected parent. It’s a form of family therapy that specifically addresses parent-child contact problems,” Woodruff explains.

He says this therapy is effective when dealing with separated parents in high-conflict relationships with children caught in the middle.

“In this situation, we typically have two people who cannot co-parent or agree to a shared parenting schedule,” Woodruff says. “The residential parent may accuse their partner of committing some form of abuse ­– physical, emotional or sexual ­– toward them or the children, and the other parent claiming parental alienation. This creates a toxic environment for the children.”

Since children know the residential parent often has fears or anxieties about their former partner, he says the children will often pick up on these feelings and this contributes to rejecting behaviour.

“Sometimes children even feel guilty about saying they enjoyed their time with the other parent,” Woodruff says. “They know if they say something such as, ‘I had a great time with Dad or I had a good time with mom,’ that will upset the residential parent.”

He says non-residential parents may feel they are a victim of parental alienation, blaming their former partner for unfairly turning the children against them.

“Some children don’t want to get out of the car when they are brought to the non-residential parent’s home,” Woodruff tells LegalMattersCanada. “But the courts are saying they have to go. To make this work, we need reunification therapy. Not to coerce the child but to understand why the child is rejecting the parent and to come up with a treatment plan.”

Both parents have to be involved

For reunification therapy to succeed, he says both parents must believe it is in the children’s best interest to have a restored relationship with the rejected parent.

“If one parent does not believe that a restored relationship is in the child’s best interest, the children will pick up on this tension,” Woodruff says, adding that “most communication is non-verbal.”

“Reunification therapy tries to repair the relationship between a parent and the children,” he says. “But to do that, there must be significant co-parenting work as well. There has to be a willingness from both parents to be part of the solution.”

Woodruff explains the goal is not only to repair the relationship between the child and the rejected parent, but to instead “reintegrate the non-residential parent back into the whole life of this child, and to create a family and communication system that is sustainable without the long term need for therapeutic or legal involvement.”

He gives the example of both parents celebrating a child’s birthday or attending a performance at school.

“It is not helpful if the residential parent is surprised when the ex-partner shows up at an event involving the children,” Woodruff says.

Parents often still dislike each other

He says Renew does not try to bring the parents back together, but just to get them to agree on a parenting plan that benefits their children.

“There will still be a great deal of animosity,” Woodruff says. “But the goal of the Renew therapist is to determine what communication tools parents can use to meet the best interests of their child. We need them to co-parent or parallel parent, despite their feelings toward one another.”

He notes that a common expression in family law warns separated parents to “love your children more than you hate each other.”

“Research shows that it is in the children’s best interest, unless there is an issue of abuse, for a child to have a relationship with both parents,” Woodruff says. “That will help with their emotional, cognitive and even academic growth.”

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He says most families that are in high-conflict situations don’t need reunification therapy. They “find a way how to co-parent without therapeutic interventions and without the children rejecting one of the parents.”

Reunification therapy can involve more than just the separated parents and children, says Woodruff, giving the example of when one or both sides have started to live with a new partner.

“Whoever is now in the immediate family unit needs to also be involved,” he says.

Court orders are sometimes needed

“If one parent simply refuses to participate in reunification therapy or belabours the process, a court order may be the only option,” Woodruff says.

“If a judge orders a parent to participate in the therapy sessions, there will be serious consequences if that doesn’t happen,” he explains.

Woodruff says Renew has seen cases where a judge reversed custody after one parent adamantly refused to grant any parenting time to their ex-partner.

“We always ask lawyers to incorporate orders for reunification therapy into their submissions into the court. It forces the parties to the table,” he says.

A guideline published by Renew provides a template for drafting a court order for reunification, laying out 17 conditions that must be met, the first affirming that “the parents shall cooperate with the therapist.”

Another requirement states that when there are multiple professionals involved (e.g., the Children’s Aid Society, other previous or current therapists, educational or medical professionals, etc.), “the family therapist may communicate, ex parte, with any other professionals he/she deems necessary to implement the goals of the family therapy.”

Experience matters with therapy

Considering the complexities of relationships, Woodruff emphasizes that having an agency such as Renew involved in the therapy is important.

“Our team has extensive experience with high-conflict relationships where a child rejects one parent,” he says, adding family courts recognize the value of the therapy.

“Judges know that it is important for both parents to have the right to see their children. Reunification therapy is a way to help repair and bring some normalcy back to this relationship between the parent and the child.”