Nesting can help children deal with a changing family dynamic

By Tony Poland, LegalMatters Staff • Nesting can be effective in easing a child’s transition to a new family model following a divorce, says Toronto family lawyer A. Julia P. Tremain.

Tremain, a partner with Waddell Phillips Professional Corporation, explains that nesting, or birdnesting, is an arrangement that allows children to remain in the family residence while their parents take turns staying in the home in an agreed-upon schedule.

When not in the family home, one parent may choose to stay in a shared apartment, with friends or family, a hotel or an Airbnb, she says.

“Nesting is one of those things that can be great for children because it doesn’t disrupt their living situation or their routine. The parents do all the moving,” Tremain tells LegalMattersCanada.ca. “However, it can be difficult for parents because they are the ones constantly being uprooted.

‘It can be a very good life lesson for parents’

“It can be a very good life lesson for parents,” she adds. “They get to experience what their child will have to go through dividing their time between parents. Certainly, it is not always easy for children when they have to travel between two homes. Things get forgotten and they don’t always bring everything they need for visits. They may also feel like they don’t have one home, since they are always travelling between two parents.”

While nesting “isn’t something that that is particularly common,” the arrangement can be quite effective, says Tremain.

In fact, when Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and Sophie Grégoire Trudeau separated after 18 years of marriage it was reported their children would remain at Rideau Cottage with him while Grégoire Trudeau moved to a nearby residence.

The Prime Minister’s office announced that she would be a regular presence at Rideau Cottage occasionally staying there and that they would co-parent, adding the Trudeau’s are “focused on raising their kids in a safe, loving and collaborative environment.”

Provides children with stability

Denise Whitehead, chair of sexuality, marriage and family studies at St. Jerome’s University at the University of Waterloo, told the National Post that the plan provides the children with “tremendous stability.”

“The fact that the parents have worked out this incredibly collaborative and positive parenting arrangement for their children really speaks to the fact that these are parents who are very child-focused,” she said.

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Tremain says while nesting can be beneficial to children, it is not for everyone.

“It works best if the parents can communicate well with each other,” she says. “They have to have at least a decent level of trust with the other parent, especially if they are sharing another residence.

“If you don’t trust that the other parent is looking after the house or doing what they need to do, nesting is not going to work,” Tremain adds. “If one parent comes back for their parenting time and there are dirty dishes piled up and the laundry hasn’t been done, that could be a cause for resentment and a reminder of why they separated in the first place.”

Typically done on a short-term basis

Typically, nesting is done on a short-term basis, she says. For example, if a couple decides to end their marriage and there are a few months left in the school year, they may decide that it is better for the children to stay at home while they split their time between residences, Tremain says.

“It is about putting the child’s needs first,” she says. “Nesting allows parents and children the chance to transition to a new family dynamic. It gives the parents a bit of time to talk to their children about what is going to happen and reassure them that while they will no longer be married, they are still going to be there for them. It also gives the couple a taste of the realities of solo parenting.”

Tremain says it is important that parents can compromise when deciding how the plan will work.

“Like anything in family law, some people don’t necessarily need to have detailed agreements. They can just work it out between them,” she says. “However, if it starts falling apart, that’s when they may start to realize they need more clarity about what each of them are actually able to commit to.

‘May be forced to take their case to court’

“For example, if they started to nest at the end of March with the intention of continuing until the end of the school year, then one of them suddenly wants to sell the home, they may be forced to take their case to court.”

While the concept may sound simple enough, nesting can be a challenging adjustment for some, says Tremain.

“Adults tend to be more set in their ways than children who haven’t had as many years under their belts and tend to be more flexible,” she says. “The transition may be jarring for adults because they are used to their routine at home instead of shuttling from residence to residence. And depending on where you are staying when you are not at home with the children, it can be expensive. It is difficult to sustain over a long period.”

While there may be hurdles to overcome, nesting may not only be good for their children but could have an ancillary benefit if a couple ends up in court, Tremain says.

“If the parents can make it work for children, even if it comes with a high cost themselves, a judge is going to be impressed they were able to manage it. That can go a long way toward working through their disputes,” she says. “If a couple can make nesting work, it is likely they would be able to work just about anything else out.”