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By Tony Poland, LegalMatters Staff • The ability to communicate effectively with your former partner is an important element to making a parenting agreement work, says Toronto family lawyer A. Julia P. Tremain.
“Coparenting can be challenging. Finding the best way to communicate is essential to ensuring the parenting arrangement runs smoothly,” says Tremain, a partner with Waddell Phillips Professional Corporation. “Parents may no longer be able to talk to each other. There may be resentment and anger but they still need to put their feelings aside for the sake of their children.
“No matter how good the parenting arrangement, there are bound to be hiccups so parents need to be able to communicate in order to overcome any obstacles,” she tells LegalMattersCanada.ca.
A parenting agreement lays out how children will be cared for when their parents’ relationship ends and can be as specific or as general as the parents want, Tremain says.
Agreement covers decision-making responsibilities
The arrangement covers child and spousal support along with decision-making responsibilities, once known as custody, as well as parenting time, formerly known as access, she says.
“It can include everything from the child’s actual schedule down to the minute and what happens on long weekends, holidays and summer vacation,” says Tremain. “It can also cover general issues such as how the parents communicate.”
There are couples who are able to remain amiable after their relationship ends while some are unable to even speak to each other without arguing, she says.
Other parents are content to work such matters as parenting time out as they go along and do not feel the need to set schedules, Tremain says. As a holiday approaches, for example, they will decide where the children will be and for how long, she says.
“In any event, a parenting agreement can go into detail regarding how they will communicate with each other to accommodate their plan,” says Tremain. “Some people will only communicate in emails or texts. Others prefer to speak on the phone or face-to-face. Others will use a co-parenting app, such as OurFamilyWizard, which can be really useful because it helps people keep focused.”
Co-parenting apps can help parents manage schedules, track expenses, share files and send messages, she explains.
The app can be accessed by parents and other family members or professionals, such as legal and mental health practitioners, she says. Parents can decide on the level of access others are allowed, says Tremain.
Co-parenting app can be a good way to communicate
For some parents, a co-parenting app is the only way they communicate unless there is an emergency, in which case they can text or call, she says.
Tremain says the apps are popular because of their ease of use and the many features, such as a shared calendar.
“The calendar is a great feature because parents can input the entire parenting schedule and everyone knows exactly what is happening in the coming week, the next long weekend and what the holiday season is going to look like,” she says.
Any messages become a permanent record and cannot be edited, deleted or retracted, Tremain says, which is important in case of a dispute that makes its way to court.
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Having details in writing is important to avoid confusion and can help avoid conflict, especially since people can have a different interpretation of what they had agreed to, she says.
Tremain says no matter how clients communicate, they should remember to stay civil, especially when texting or emailing.
“Texts are hugely problematic in family law. They are useful for exchanging some information but aside from that they present a problem if texts become out of control,” she says. “People often send nasty texts because they are impulsive. They don’t have the same checks and balances they would if they were face-to-face with someone.”
‘Don’t text when you are angry’
“I always tell clients not to text or email anything controversial,” Tremain adds. “Don’t text when you are angry. If there is any doubt about the message, put your phone away. Come back later and reread it or have someone else read it.”
No matter how well parents communicate they may need to seek the help of a mediator or arbitrator to find a solution when problems arise, she says.
Tremain says some people also use parenting coordinators who can help resolve conflicts about parenting arrangements or parenting orders.
“A parenting coordinator is someone who the parents retain jointly after a final parenting plan is in place,” she says. “They are not there to change the entire agreement. It is typically to help interpret a term in the plan that has already been agreed to.”
The process is voluntary and parents cannot be forced to use it,” says Tremain.
“Sometimes people just need a third party with a cool head to talk about available options to their dispute,” she says. “The upside is that they work with both parents and really get to know the family quite well, which can help resolve the issue.
“The downside is they can be expensive and are unfortunately out of reach for many lower-income parents,” adds Tremain. “However, a parent coordinator is generally less expensive than going back to court, so they can be worth it.”
This is the second of a three-part series. In Part One, A. Julia P. Tremain discussed parenting agreements. Part Three will examine overnight visitations.
