‘No one wins when it comes to parental alienation’

By Tony Poland, LegalMatters Staff • Parental alienation not only hurts the targeted parent but can have a lasting effect on children, which is why it is important to keep family relationships civil, says Toronto family lawyer A. Julia P. Tremain. 

“No one wins when it comes to parental alienation,” says Tremain, a partner with Waddell Phillips Professional Corporation. “It can tear families apart and have serious consequences for all those involved. If you try to alienate your former partner, you could end up hurting your child. They could come to resent you and you could even lose access to them.” 

The concept of parental alienation was identified in 1985 and typically occurs in high-conflict divorces. One parent will pressure their child to reject the other parent through criticism and by interfering with the relationship. 

Researchers found children can experience the loss of their alienated parent as they would the premature death of a parent. They are likely to feel neglected and angry and develop the traits of the alienating parent.

A form of child abuse

According to Psychology Today, parental alienation is “a form of child abuse.” It not only damages a child’s relationship with the targeted parent but it could have a negative impact on the alienating parent’s own well-being.

In one study, Psychology Today notes adults reported experiencing mental health issues ranging from anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder and thoughts of suicide, which they traced to parental alienation.

Some participants of the study reported having low confidence and self-esteem. They began using alcohol and drugs – some at an early age – to deal with the abuse.

They also suffered relationship problems that included:

Difficulty relating to peers They reported feeling different from other children and being unable to confide their parental alienation experiences with them.

Fear of loss Most expressed a fear of losing a relationship that caused them to avoid conflicts while in them or trouble entering relationships. 

Difficulty trusting Participants had doubts someone would support them which led to them hiding their difficulties. 

Dysfunctional and abusive relationships Children exposed to parental alienation later in life chose partners who were as abusive as their alienating parent, sometimes in a desperate effort to feel loved. Others reported staying in an unhealthy marriage, avoiding divorce at all costs.

Struggling to maintain healthy relationships Participants stated mental health problems, poor relationship skills and a lack of positive role models made relationships challenging.

Subconscious messages can also be damaging

Tremain tells LegalMattersCanada.ca that even if the alienating parent’s behaviour is unintentional, it could be damaging.

“Someone could be sending subconscious messages that are not deliberate manipulations,” she explains. “But remember, children are smarter than they are given credit for and generally know far more than their parents think they do. Children hear things or they see how parents react to exchanges.”

A parent can intentionally sway a child by making false allegations or disparaging remarks about the targeted parent, Tremain says. 

The child could then reject the targeted parent, refusing to see, respect or obey them, she says. As a result, the alienated parent may suffer despair, social isolation, anxiety, severe depression, self-loathing and inability to focus, researchers have found. 

• Plot your children’s future path with a parenting plan
• Do your homework when determining child support payments
• Many details may need to be worked out before a divorce is granted

Tremain says family court judges take parental alienation seriously and can even remove the child from the alienating parent’s home.

She points to A.M. v. C.H., an Ontario Court of Appeal case that upheld a Superior Court of Justice decision to award custody of a 14-year-old boy to his father for six months. Tremain represented C.H., in the appeal. The trial judge found the boy’s mother “systematically and successfully poisoned the child’s relationship with his father,” concluding his “long-term best interests favoured a reversal of custody and a suspension of access, intended to be time-limited, to the mother and her allies, in the hopes that the father and son could achieve some rapprochement.”

The appellate court agreed with the decision, stating “sometimes warring parents lose sight of their children’s best interests. Under such circumstances, no one should be surprised if the trial judge fashions a parenting regime which is not in the precise terms sought by either party.”

Restricting family contact can be traumatic

Tremain says being restricted from having contact with their family can be traumatic for a child.

“This was a sad case,” she says. “Essentially the boy was cut off from those he had lived with all his life.

“If a child is completely resistant to seeing one parent and there is evidence of parental alienation, there is clearly a problem,” Tremain adds. “But I don’t know if the trauma of cutting off a child from their family is the right answer.”

Because parental alienation can have consequences for the entire family, it is important to take steps to avoid it, she says. Counselling can help but it can be expensive, Tremain says.

Parents should do what they can to maintain positive relationships, she says. 

For example, she says a child may complain about a recent visit with their father. 

“They come home and tell mom they didn’t like the food and their father was cranky and on his phone most of the day,” says Tremain. “The mom may tell the child that their dad doesn’t appreciate them and is not being a good parent. She may be correct. But she is reinforcing the negative.

“It would have been better to pick up the phone or send a text to the father explaining their child’s concerns in an effort to resolve the problem, instead of exacerbating it.”

Put ill feelings aside

No matter how acrimonious the divorce, parents should learn to put their feelings for each other aside when children are exchanged for parenting time visits, she says.

“Even saying something like, ‘How are you doing?’ or ‘Have a nice weekend’ when the children are picked up can send a positive message,” says Tremain. “Not only are you modelling the message about how you and the other parent communicate, your messaging tells your children how to deal with conflict properly.

“It sets a positive example,” she adds. “Do you get angry and upset and act rude and uncivil with someone you don’t get along with? Or do you remain polite and civil and attempt to find a compromise if there is a dispute?”

While it is only human nature for people to air their grievances when they are frustrated, Tremain says it is important for parents to be careful what is said in front of their children in the heat of the moment.

Parents should try to resolve their differences privately and attempt to present a united front.

“That begins when they separate,” she says. “If it is possible, parents should sit down with their children and talk about what is going to happen. Then they will get the same message from both parents.

“They know both parents still love them and want to do what is best for them,” Tremain adds. “Their lives are going to change but they see their parents are going to work together to try to ensure their divorce it does not affect them negatively. If children realize their parents can communicate at least about their well-being, that is a hugely positive message.”

In Part 1 of this series, A. Julia P. Tremain examined the roots of parental alienation.