When overnight parenting time begins depends on the family

By Tony Poland, LegalMatters Staff • Overnight parenting time can have a positive impact on the family as long as the child’s best interest remains at the forefront, says Toronto family lawyer A. Julia P. Tremain.

Tremain, a partner with Waddell Phillips Professional Corporation, says studies have shown that starting overnight visits at a young age benefit both the child and their parents. However, finding the right age to start the visits can present challenges.

“Very different people have very different views about when overnight stays should begin,” she tells LegalMattersCanada.ca. “Some parents believe they should not occur while a child is still a toddler. Others think that waiting until the children are school-age is too late. When to start will depend on each family situation.”

A study published in the American Psychological Association journal Psychology, Public Policy and Law found that no matter the age, a child benefits from having time with each parent which includes sleepovers at each home.

Relationships with mother and father both benefit

“Not only did overnight parenting time with fathers during infancy and toddlerhood cause no harm to the mother-child relationship, it actually appeared to benefit children’s relationships with both their mothers and their fathers,” said William Fabricius, lead author of the study. “Children who had overnights with their fathers when they were infants or toddlers had higher-quality relationships with their fathers as well as with their mothers when they were 18 to 20 years old than children who had no overnights.”

Tremain says family law is a balance of common-sense realities and legal principles. An overnight arrangement that works for some families may not be suitable for others, she says.

Parenting time schedules can be “fixed” with set days and times for visits or “open,” allowing for flexibility depending on family needs, Tremain explains.

Having a detailed parenting agreement can help avoid confusion and potential conflict when it comes to overnight stays, she says. The agreement covers such issues as the time a child spends in each parent’s care. That can include:

Shared parenting time: Parents share the amount of time spent with the child. Under provincial Child Support Guidelines, shared parenting time is when a child lives at least 40 per cent of the time with each parent.

Split parenting time: This is when parents have more than one child and each parent has one or more children living with them for most of the time.

Supervised parenting time: This can be arranged if there are safety concerns during visits, or when children are exchanged between parents. 

Best interests of the child

Unless there are safety concerns, it is generally accepted that it is best if children have as much contact with both parents as possible as long as it is in the best interests of the children, Tremain says, adding family law in Canada is based on the principle of the “best interests of the child” rather than a presumption that each parent has the child 50 per cent of the time.

Overnight visits can present challenges since transitioning between homes needs to be done in a way that does not become disruptive, she says.

“Even with a well-crafted parenting arrangement there can be bumps in the road,” says Tremain. “Parents need to be able to communicate if only for the sake of their children.”

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Maintaining a child’s routine can play an important role in their well-being, she says.

“Obviously, routines are important for children because before their parents got divorced they had them,” says Tremain.

Co-parenting apps be a big help in such cases, allowing parents to manage schedules, share files and send messages, she says. 

“With an app such as OurFamilyWizard, parents can share the child’s routine,” Tremain says. “He eats dinner and plays for a bit. He has a bath and then we read before he gets into bed at about 7:30 p.m. This is what he likes to eat for breakfast. That kind of thing.”

Messages become a permanent record

Any messages on the app become a permanent record and cannot be edited, deleted or retracted so it cuts down on confusion or disputes, she says.

Tremain says the first overnight visit can take a bit of planning to make the child comfortable. It can be little things such as ensuring the child has a nightlight, a special blanket, a favourite toy or the food they enjoy, she says.

However, it is not always possible to replicate the child’s former home environment, Tremain says.

“A  parent may only be able to afford a one-bedroom apartment and will sleep on the couch while the child has the bed,” she says. “Parents may have arguments about that but most family court judges will not want to penalize people for an economic disadvantage. On the other hand, if children are consistently sleeping on air mattresses on the floor, the other parent may have an argument for limiting overnight visits.”

Tremain says it is not essential to have a set plan for an overnight visit but parents should clear their work schedule.

‘You need to establish boundaries’

“You need to establish boundaries from when you can work and when you should be spending time with your child, she says. “You don’t necessarily have to include that in the parenting agreement itself, but as a general rule. Try to put off answering work email until your child goes to bed so that doesn’t cut into your time with them.”

Some parents may not get along but for the sake of the child’s well-being it is important to make an effort to be cooperative to ensure the visits go smoothly, Tremain says.

“It comes down to sharing information that benefits the child,” she says. “When the visits start happening, one parent can contact the other to see how it went. The child might not like the bed or the food. Their complaint may be legitimate and needs to be addressed.”

The child’s best interest should be paramount when addressing any concerns, Tremain says.

“Little Timmy may come home and start criticizing Dad’s place. The mom can either look for positives or reinforce the negative and tell the child that his father doesn’t know how to look after him,” she says. “For the child’s sake, parents should work together to overcome any concerns.”

This is the third of a three-part series. In Part Two, A. Julia P. Tremain discussed effective communication in a parenting plan.